It should be no surprise to any of you that I am a fucking maniac. I drowned in ACE Juice. I’ll tell you in a future video how I am in regular contact with the Dark Lord Satan. I am the soon-to-be legal owner of Snail Mail, as soon as Ubisoft gets back to me, which will surely happen any day now.

This might not be as crazy as some of the above, but it’s worth adding to my channel’s list of stupid videos with questionable grounding in reality. I’m going to talk to you about the time I took magic mushrooms.

Magic mushrooms, for those of you who don’t know, are a psychedelic drug. They’re not quite as “rainbows and unicorns” as popular media might have you believe, it’s quite a bit different. In fact, especially at lower doses, you might not even get any hallucinogenic effects at all.

A week ago or so, I purchased a box of Agaricus Bisporus mushrooms. For those of you who don’t know, these are the standard “magic” mushrooms that most people talk about when they use the term.

Now, I don’t really like the taste of mushrooms. In fact, for a long fuckin’ time I’ve really hated the taste of mushrooms. Like a lot. So I just did what anyone would do in this scenario, and I sliced them up and placed them on pizza. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any pizza, so I had to make my own. Instead of making a pizza base which takes FOREVER, I thought I’d just spread some tomato sauce on a paper towel, and since I’m vegan I can’t eat the cheese.

It’s a new take on pizza to be sure, but hey- I did the best with what I had. I cut up the little white mushrooms into slices, put them onto the tomato-y paper towel, and tried my best to stuff it into my mouth. That didn’t really work, and I know that those of you who saw my video on ACE Juice will at this point be thinking “What the fuck Alex, why don’t you know how to eat”.

I just misjudged, and I was nervous. I was about to embark on a spiritual journey, I’m sure anyone else would do the same in my position. With a bit of difficulty, I eventually consumed the entire paper towel’s worth of mushrooms.

I waited for about an hour for the effects to kick in, listening to music, browsing Twitter. The usual. And boy oh boy, did they kick in fast. It sounded exactly like someone was banging on my window. My curtain was shut so I couldn’t verify this, and I didn’t really feel like getting up to check. My first mushroom-induced hallucination. How exciting!

The banging didn’t stop, and then it kinda started to sound like someone yelling at me. I was listening to music on my headphones so I couldn’t really make out what they were saying. Besides, it goes back to the old saying from Timothy Leary; “Turn on, tune in, drop out”. I was turned on by a stray NSFW Twitter post, I was tuned in to my music, and I dropped out of caring why someone was yelling at me.

Another maybe 15 minutes passed and the commotion finally stopped. I figured I was coming down, and went to the kitchen to make a sandwich to get the taste of tomato paper out of my mouth.

Suddenly, my door was kicked in. Someone broke into my house! Naturally, I assumed they were police officers and froze. I had just taken an illegal drug, hadn’t I? Of course. My disregard for the law was catching up to me. I know they say live fast and die young, but man. I’m only 18. I would never have thought that I had lived as quickly as I did, and that I would die so young at the hands of the state. Surely I’d be given the death penalty for this. Surely.

Whoever burst down my door quickly found me making a sandwich. Breathless, he said “Alex! Stop what you’re doing!”

I thought maybe he was here to warn me about the police on their way to shoot me dead for my transgressions, so I asked why.

“I KNOW what you’re doing.” He said. “I know that you’re making a stupid fucking video-length joke about using the wrong kind of mushroom, and you’re going to put this on your YouTube channel and seriously upset everyone. I’m here to just stop you, you fucking maniac.”

I really had no idea what he was talking about. I stared blankly for a moment, then responded, “I don’t know what you want from me man, and I don’t know how you know all this information about me, but that’s not what I’m doing.”

Then, it suddenly clicked. Suddenly, I knew what was up.

This dude was another hallucination. I wasn’t coming down at all!

“Hey! You’re a hallucination, aren’t you?” I asked.

“What? No, fuck off, you know what you’re doing.”

Straight up, and because my YouTube channel is a place for me to be honest, I’m gonna tell you that I just straight up started touching his face. I wanted to see how realistic the hallucination was, and man it was pretty realistic. I could feel his face skin, his teeth, his stubble- it was all there, and the whole time he was telling me to go away. Kind of strange how he didn’t physically restrain me, but I guess hallucinations can’t interact with the real world.

“This is a lost cause, I’m gonna go home and when I get home, I’m gonna unsubscribe.” he said as he left, stepping over the splintered remains of my door.

Then I waited. And waited. And waited. And nothing else happened. I assumed that I was coming down for real this time and went to sleep.

Overall, it was a pretty interesting experience. I’d do it again. Didn’t taste good though, the paper really ruined it.

Agaricus Bisporus seems to be a very powerful substance. The hallucinations are remarkably realistic, and non-fantastical in nature. This is of course in contrast to my experience with Psilocybe Cubensis mushrooms, which was actually a much more interesting experience come to think of it.


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